On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
