If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
