Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
