I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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