I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
