He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
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