All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
