The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
