am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
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