I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
