Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Randomize
