I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
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