btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Randomize
