i need an iv and a liver transplant
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
