This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Randomize
