tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
