I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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