i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Randomize
