mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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