I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize
