It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Randomize
