I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Randomize
