his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
