I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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