Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Randomize
