guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Randomize
