If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
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