I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
