Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
He's on the porch naked. Help.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
