I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
