I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
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