Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Randomize
