Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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