I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Randomize
