My first STD was from a foam party
I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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