I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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