Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Randomize
