i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Randomize
