im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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