I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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