I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
