They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
I want to stick my p in your. b.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
