I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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