my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
