i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
