He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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