I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
