Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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