I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Randomize
