My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
